FRANK HAVILAND
Dr Johnson once famously quipped that “patriotism is the last refuge of the scoundrel”. He had a point. National pride taken to the excess of jingoism is risible to all but the jingoist himself. There is a flip-side to that Boswellian coin however, one I doubt Dr Johnson had to contend with way back in the 18th century: the anti-patriot. Fast forward to 21st century Britain, and Johnson would find the nation overrun with this particular breed of public figure, one I think we can accurately term the “self-loathing narcissist”.
These people have perfected the art of directing their self-loathing outward: at the nation, the culture, and the unforgivable white majority. The narcissism, of course, remains untouched. “I alone,” they insist, “am sophisticated enough to recognise our collective guilt – and you must be the ones to atone for it.”
They do not merely accept Britain’s demographic and cultural decline. They demand it. They revel in it. And they treat any objection to it as a heinous act of immorality. Officially enthralled by “diversity” and all its concomitant benefits, they remain confined to the least diverse postcodes, puritanically forego the pleasures themselves, and endlessly bemoan their “white privilege” while holding onto it for dear life!
Unlike the Trojans, who were merely deceived, these open borders fanatics know full well what the horse contains. Their peculiar fetish is not to be fooled by it, but to compete for the honour of holding the gates open as it rolls through; denouncing anyone attempting to defend the city as the real barbarians.
Many of the self-loathing brigade are of course well-educated and obviously intelligent enough to understand both the fraud and the folly of their actions. They simply calculate that the price (paid almost exclusively by the white working class) is worth the moral prestige it buys them. Right up until the piper comes for payment.
As a case in point, consider the career of Rachel Maskell. As Labour MP for York Central, Maskell has circumnavigated the political spectrum in the space of a decade. Here she is back in 2015 speaking at a ‘Refugees Welcome’ meeting:
“What does it matter, if we have to wait another week for a hospital visit? Or if our class sizes are slightly bigger? Or if our city is slightly fuller? What does it matter, if things are slightly more challenging? If we have to pay a little bit more into the system? Surely it is worth it to see those lives being restored again?”
“What does it matter?”
Just a year ago, she was apoplectic with rage at the appearance of the flag of St George in York itself, as she explained: “Let us be clear, these flags are more than just a flag of our country, for some they have been used to rally those who suppress the rights of others and perpetrate acts of hate.”
The national flag, reduced to a symbol of “Hate”.
Yesterday however, Maskell discovered there was a price to be paid for such bourgeois posturing. While resolutely refusing to stop the rising tide of illegal immigration, Prime Minister Burnham has at last called the middle-classes’ bluff and insisted they take their “fair share”. This is the point at which Maskell discovered limits to her compassion. Faced with the proposal that 1,200 illegals would be housed at an abandoned RAF base near her constituency, Maskell warned that local women would be “outnumbered 6:1”. I’d infer from that that Maskell has finally realised open borders can have negative consequences (unless of course, she’s merely suggesting the gang-rape scenarios are a bit top-heavy).
Maskell is not alone. She is merely the latest to discover that performative compassion has practical limits. With York’s finest out of the running, the competition for Britain’s ultimate self-flagellator remains wide open. Indeed, it’s a crowded field. Since the vocation requires a lifetime of consistency, and since these poor souls appear to have little else going for them, they deserve formal recognition – if not as an Olympic event, then at least as reality television.
The Frank Report regrettably does not quite have the budget for that. Nonetheless, we can launch the dinghy by suggesting the following grading criteria:
A) Intensity of self-loathing
B) Delight at the destruction of Britain
C) Degree of wilful blindness.
On this scale, both Jeremy Corbyn and Zack Polanski score highly for self-loathing and delight in national decline. Corbyn, however, loses points for the wilful blindness of aligning himself with extreme Islam – those who regard him as little more than a doddering old codger. Polanski, on the other hand, would get top marks and no doubt a standing ovation from the crowd, as he was thrown from the rooftops.
The Runners and Riders
Harriet Harman: the misandrists’ misandrist.
God bless Harriet. She doesn’t just want all-women shortlists for Labour seats – she recently suggested men should be banned from running for leader altogether, adding that “men cannot be trusted to run things on their own”. Presumably she meant white men, given her penchant for importing all the other varieties. Back in 2015, Harman implored David Cameron to take in more than 4,000 Syrians a year. Her finest hour remains 2008, when she toured her own constituency in a stab-proof vest while insisting there was “no security issue whatsoever.”
Self-loathing 5/10, Delight in destruction 6/10, Degree of wilful blindness 8/10, Overall 6.3
Fraser “London’s never been safer” Nelson.
If the competition were simply denying the bleeding obvious, Nelson would win hands down. Raised in the Scottish Highlands, based in leafy Twickenham and married to a Swedish wife, it’s possible that Fraser’s experience of London is not quite the same as the rest of us. It may no longer be possible for women to wear jewellery in the Caliphate (sorry, capital); it may no longer be sensible to carry phones or wear watches; and it may no longer be easy to escape sexual assault, with rape reported every hour in London. Nonetheless, he confidently claims: “The actual streets of our capital city are (the) safest for decades, if not centuries.” One suspects he does not frequent the Amersham Arms in New Cross, The Tavern on the Hill in Walthamstow, or any establishment where the Kray twins once drank.
Self-loathing 6/10 · Delight in destruction 6/10 · Wilful blindness 8/10 · Overall 6.3
Matthew “trained street-fighter” Stadlen.
“Hard-as-nails” Stadlen, who’s bottled every fight he’s ever been offered, appears to be GB News’ progressive of choice. Blessed with an uncanny knack for being wrong about everything, Stadders recently denied the constant arrivals along the south coast amounted to an invasion, on the specious grounds that the British government refuses to stop them:
Stop trying to terrify the British public by calling it an invasion. If we were being invaded we’d be blowing the boats out of the water. We haven’t been successfully invaded since 1066 (if you don’t count 1688) pic.twitter.com/wiW3NNvjoG
— Matthew Stadlen (@MatthewStadlen) August 7, 2026
Self-loathing 6/10, Delight in destruction 7/10, Degree of wilful blindness 8/10, Overall 7.0
Gary Lineker: The blackest white man in Britain.
Champagne socialism usually comes in two flavours: tax and immigration. Lineker has managed both. He publicly begged Andy Burnham to raise his taxes, conveniently forgetting he could write HMRC a cheque whenever he liked. The explanation for this was probably the £4.9 million he’d clawed back from the Exchequer (loose change for Gary, obvs). On immigration he compared Tory language to 1930s Germany, then demonstrated his commitment by hosting a refugee… for 20 whole days.
Self-loathing 7/10, Delight in destruction 7/10, Degree of wilful blindness 8/10, Overall 7.3
James O’Brien: the world’s only living embodiment of a hernia
For a man who authored the book How to be Right, O’Brien spends an extraordinary amount of time being wrong. From his comfortable berth at LBC, he spends his days lecturing the public for the sin of common sense; each dissenting opinion paining him to the point of an enema. Like AI (but with markedly less personal warmth), O’Brien approached self-awareness recently when his glowing endorsement of Jason Arday (“a remarkable and brilliant man”) collided with reality. “I feel like a mug, actually” was O’Brien’s comment. Well, we knew he’d get there eventually.
Self-loathing 8/10, Delight in destruction 5/10, Degree of wilful blindness 9/10, Overall 7.3
Zoe “never met a refugee she wouldn’t welcome into your home” Gardner
If the open borders lobby needed a banker, it would be Zoe (attractive, posh tart, inveterately immune to evidence). Gardner butters her bread with headlines like “The Migration ‘Crisis’ Is a Myth”, and ‘We Need to Confront the Lie That There are ‘Safe Routes’ for Refugees to Come to the UK’. She washes this down with the repeated assertion that the only way to “stop the boats” is to open more legal routes for people to claim asylum in Britain.
Self-loathing 7/10, Delight in destruction 6/10, Degree of wilful blindness 10/10, Overall 7.6
Zack Polanski: The Muslims’ Jew
As Green Party leader, Polanski’s platform is a greatest hits compilation of the world’s worst ideas. Polanski is a firm believer in open borders, and doesn’t think countries have a right to exist. His plan to deal with rising crime, drug abuse, and prison overcrowding is simply to legalise everything. He has also shown remarkable enthusiasm for aligning himself with radical Islamic voices who, given the opportunity, would be only too happy to help him achieve the first solo flight since the Wright brothers.
Self-loathing 8/10, Delight in destruction 9/10, Degree of wilful blindness 10/10, Overall 9.0
Jeremy “friends in low places” Corbyn
Whether it’s the IRA, Hezbollah, Hamas, or the PFLP (Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine), Corbyn has rarely met a terrorist he wouldn’t get into bed with. As the elder statesman of British self-loathing and its most consistent performer, Corbyn has devoted decades to working against the national interest. The one downside to his performance is that, after fifty years in the business, Corbyn is such a feature of the establishment that his disloyalty is almost endearing.
Self-loathing 10/10, Delight in destruction 10/10, Degree of wilful blindness 8/10, Overall 9.3
Owen Jones: The masochists’ masochist
The purest living example of the syndrome. Jones insists that those who would kill him for being gay must be defended without limit, while claiming there is no sharia law in Britain because it is not officially recognised. This is roughly the same logic as saying there is no rape in Britain, because rape is illegal. Here’s Jones making precisely that case in his recent appearance on Piers Morgan:
“You will get murdered by the very people you are on this show to defend!”
Josh Hammer challenges Owen Jones on his statement that there is “no Sharia law” in Britain.
https://t.co/d3nN03Tqwq@piersmorgan | @owenjonesjourno | @josh_hammer pic.twitter.com/MLYr2zZ8Lq
— Piers Morgan Uncensored (@PiersUncensored) August 11, 2026
There’s a nasty streak to Owen too. After viewing the IDF footage of the 7 October atrocities, he publicly cast doubt on the rape and sexual violence claims. He also went on to question whether a burned female corpse found without underwear constituted “conclusive evidence” of rape.
“An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last” according to Churchill. Jones’ version of that story would see him eaten first, just to shut him up, with Jones lecturing the crowd mid-swallow on how the real problem is those who tried to warn him.
Self-loathing 10/10, Delight in destruction 10/10, Degree of wilful blindness 10/10, Overall 10.0
There is a solution to this nonsense, of course: give ‘em what they claim to want! I suggest the following:
- Appoint Owen Jones the BBC’s permanent correspondent in Gaza (for however long he lasts).
- Offer Zack Polanski a one-way ticket to Venezuela.
- Convert Matthew Stadlen’s house into the next HMO.
- Place Gary Lineker into his own personal 99% tax bracket.
- Relocate Fraser Nelson to a flat above a New Cross pub.
- Require Harriet Harman to conduct nightly vox pops in her old constituency, without the aid of a stab-vest.
- Install Zoe Gardner as the permanent live-in manager of a small-boat reception centre on the south coast of England.
- Hold the next Middle East peace summit in Jeremy Corbyn’s Islington townhouse. Bang their heads together, lock the doors, and tell them no one’s coming out until they’ve kissed and made up.
- Force James O’Brien to present his next 100 shows with the mute button permanently disabled, and only callers who disagree with him allowed on air.
Obviously such a list is subjective in every way, and I cannot get everyone in I’d like to or we’d be here till Christmas! Honourable mentions must go to the following:
Kay Burley: who recently dismissed 230 boat migrants as smaller than the supermarket queue in the ‘five items or fewer’ aisle (as though she’d notice the length of the queue in the 3am dash for the last Waitrose bottle of gin).
Jess Phillips: who never met a grooming victim she thought was worth more than a vote.
Stella Creasy: Professional scourge of misogyny, as long as it’s being committed by white Brits.
Matthew Parris: who loathed his own complexion so much, he once wrote an article entitled “If I had a choice, I wouldn’t be a whitey”.
Jon Snow: who once expressed astonishment at seeing white people gathered in the same place, and was promptly sent to Glastonbury (rather like putting a galeophobe in a shark tank).
Keir Starmer: the ultimate self-loathing charlatan who, when charged with the defence of Britain, behaved like Oprah’s dietician – insisting he left the patient in better shape than he found her.
Obviously, a competition like this never truly ends. There is no final whistle – unless it is the point at which the winners realise their self-loathing has brought the destruction of everything they hold dear – namely, themselves.
Undoubtedly I’ve missed some key entrants, so do free to let me know in the comments!
Frank Haviland is the Editor of The New Conservative, and the author of Banalysis: The Lie Destroying the West.
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(UKR)