Dear Elon

Dear Elon,

Many thanks for your email. Not often do I get messages that ask me to list my accomplishments for the last week (“I de-greased the chain on my bicycle and removed a dead mouse from the driveway…”).

I know you wanted a response by “11:59 p.m. on Monday night” (by which time, I knew, that without a reply, my Tesla would turn into a pumpkin or, even worse, a Chevy Equinox…. It’s amazing what you carmakers can do these days, like having the key in your pocket).

I dithered over my reply, as for a few days I thought you had written: “Hello: My best friend is the president of a large oil-producing nation, and we need your help in cashing checks worth trillions in tax cuts….” Then my wife got home from visiting her mother, and she said, “Don’t be jerk. He’s interested in you as a person and what you did last week.” So thank you, Elon, for reaching out.

Let’s be clear: I don’t officially work for any of the government departments that you are trying so hard to shut down. I wish I was one of those G-men getting shipped down to Huntsville, Alabama, or some Grade 6 drudge who spends his day playing fantasy football rather than mailing off HIV medications to Africa villagers, but the sad fact of my life is that when I watch YouTube videos of cats getting buried in snow, I am doing so on my own time.

If it will make your life easier (I know you have 13 kids, four wives and probably live in an eShoe), feel free to appoint me to some top prosecutor job in the Department of Justice so that the next day you can fire me for not pardoning Mayor Adams (who we all know is happy to help President Trump to deport aliens, provided he gets upgraded on Turkish Airlines, which is what all New Yorkers want for their mayor).

Now on to my accomplishments for the week:

—For a while after the Super Bowl (I do hope you and your “oil-producing friend” realize that I am not a Swiftie but love the Chiefs’ place kicker, Harrison Butker, because I, too, think a woman’s job is in the driveway, collecting mice for RFK Jr.), I confess I was feeling a little blue.

Who can work efficiently, Elon, when members of Congress are running down great patriotic Americans such as Kash Patel, Tulsi Gabbard, Pam Jo Bondi, Pete Hegseth, and that new deputy podcaster of the FBI.

Then I figured out how I could play the J6 Prison Choir’s “Justice for All” on a loop, and I daydreamed of them performing at the Kennedy Center. That definitely saved my Monday. Perhaps a slow day, yes; I hope you don’t mind.

—On Tuesday, when I got to my desk, I was fired up and said to myself, “Why don’t I send a delegation to Saudi Arabia that can pass the word to President Putin that I am down with surrendering the European Union, Ukraine, Georgia, the Baltic States, Finland, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria, Turkey, Taiwan, Japan, NATO, and the United Nations to the Russians, and in exchange all I want are some “rare earth minerals.” (Wink, wink: I am pretty sure a few of those “minerals” will power the Starlink car radio in my Tesla….)

—On Wednesday, I brought peace to the Middle East. I know: just like that. A Jewish friend of mine (I confess, I had missed all this in the news, but that’s because I watch Newsmax and Fox) was telling me that some place called “Gaza” (sp?) is a wreck, but that it has miles of beachfront property, and bingo, I decided that nothing would bring peace faster to the Middle East than a few championship golf courses, time shares, and marinas for “world people”.

Apparently, Palestinians have large families, so now I am thinking, “Give them four-car garages, too” (America is a compassionate country!), and then I spent the rest of the day on my phone to prove my point that wherever there are five-star golf resorts there are no wars. Sleepy Joe Biden could never have figured that out.

—Elon, you would have loved my Thursday: I made America great again by cutting taxes for the rich ($4.5 trillion, of which you ought to get at least $1 trillion) and then balancing the books of the federal government by cutting out needless waste in sinkholes such as Medicaid, Medicare, Head Start, USAID, and Food Stamps (honestly, things I had never even heard about, so clearly total scams).

What’s great about this program is that when rich folks get their $4.5 trillion refund checks, they can employ all those people—as gardeners, pool cleaners, caddies, car washers, etc.—who before had to live on “corrupt” and “fraudulent” federal programs. Make that ka-ching! sound, Elon. Win-win. We’re all set. You can even have a few more kids with that twenty-something influencer.

—I know, after a week like this one, I could well have claimed a little comp time on Friday and gone off to play the national pastime, golf. But inspired by your selflessness, I decided to “give back” and use the rest of my Friday in saving democracy. Why not, it’s been good to us. Under what other “system” can you rake in $379.9 billion as a car salesman while laying off everyone at the IRS?

The trick, I figured, to saving democracy is for the United States to have better friends. Enough of all those G-conferences with French, Spaniards, and Japanese lining up for those pictures in front of some château.

My Friday idea was to align the United States with the WORLD’S GREAT DEMOCRACIES (how your “oil-producing” friend would write it!), such as North Korea, Russia, China, and Saudi Arabia—places where you can still “salute” traditional values and “deal” (it’s a Russian word that means “nerve agents”) with members of the opposition (the press, Congress, etc.).

Then in my free time, I decided to call the leadership of some new alt-right political parties in Europe, which I knew would appreciate your own reach-for-the-stars arm gesture at the presidential inauguration. Those calls took longer than I might have imagined, but don’t worry, I won’t invoice you for overtime.

Elon, feel free to write again any time. (You must have my email addresses and social security number?)