Photograph Source: The White House – Public Domain
Appropriately benevolent-looking, Netanyahu didn’t need to utter a word. He watched passively but attentively while the dauntless U.S. president announced plans for Gaza at their February 4th press conference. Only a fly on the wall was privy to their private exchange beforehand.
The Bibi: “I’ve often been received in this room; today will surely surpass all other agreements. Old Joe: he was comforting, generous too. Obama: less enthusiastic than he should have been; ultimately he co-operated. Poor Jimmy: not a negotiator. A farmer, you know; couldn’t possibly grasp Jewish history. But you” you’re ‘the real deal’. A great catch… I mean, friend.
The Donald: “I will do what no one else could. I’m pretty successful at these things. Not a Jew, but I have some of your Jewish skills”, then noting Bibi’s frown, hurriedly adds, “Ha, ha; just joking. A pause, then: “Let’s wrap up this nasty Gaza business. What do you say?”
The Bibi: shoulders quivering, begins balefully: “You can’t imagine this year’s pains. Israelis, Americans too of course – monstrous attacks, antisemitism, boycotts, lies. World opinion was turning… Young people knowing nothing of Arab and Islamic extremists; they questioned our very existence. No Jew… especially in your great nation… was safe. Thankfully, we… I mean, you dealt with them. Cunningly… I mean, democratically, passing laws to eliminate free-spe… I mean, antisemitism. Americans cave easily, I mean, you sure act fast.”
The Donald: “Your suffering; it’s the greatest. Nothing like it. Oldest history in the world; builders behind… I mean, alongside our great nation. We liberated camps from Nazis; we will get rid of today’s evil even better. Never again will anyone hold American citizens hostage.”
The Bibi: “Who but you understand how we are pushed from place to place; never safe. Israel, such a small place. Imagine a massacre like October 7th in New York? Old Joe himself confirmed Hamas beheaded babies, raped Jewish girls. All innocents, unarmed, families at home with babies on a beautiful starlit night. How can we ever feel secure?”
The Donald: seeing tears in his guest’s eyes, realizes all depends on him. He, newly crowned president, would design a foolproof plan. “You’ve done a terrific job, terrific, crushing terrorism. Joe helped. But you know Joe: no plan. That pier on the Gaza shoreline to deliver relief, a disaster. Disaster! Jared – he knows everything – says Palestinians are really nomadic people – bedun, he says, means ‘without land’; that’s their history.”
The Bibi: “We alone know their real character. Yes, they never settle, preferring to roam, burrowing in tunnels. Gaza was always a temporary place; Still, many terrorists breed there. How they killed the hostages.” He raises his arms, pleading, “We opened graveyards to ensure no hostages were buried there. We had to destroy hospitals – where Hamas rats hide. Thanks to your government we make good use of AI to target anyone. That saved many lives.”
The Donald: “Don’t be shy. Say what you need. Joe did pretty well with great bombs and intel support for you. Those mini-drone-weapons: they work beautifully. Humane; cheaper too. We’re sending them to other places after such success in Gaza. Look, I’ll tell you: war has to be fought on many fronts. How about what we did to crush the ICC and the UN. And your people got rid of some nasty congresspeople —Democrats. Others got the message. We followed your advice about Hamas inside UNRWA. If UNRWA isn’t out this week, next week it will. Another success was crushing terror tactics on campuses. We appreciate your help with that. Hey, see how Elise Stefanik handled those university presidents. I put her in my cabinet; she’ll do a terrific job at the UN; terrific.”
The Bibi: an imperceptible frown crosses his brow as he thinks: I’ve still got to get help dealing with our dwindling military. “Excuse me, Mr. …I mean Donald. At home we are still attacked. Remember Hezbollah, Iran, Iran, Yemen.
The Donald: “I tell you; your pager-terror scheme was a real coup. They’re done. Let’s get back to Gaza; I want to hear your proposal.
The Bibi: “First, my generals are making things difficult for me. We can’t reveal how many Jewish boys and girls, dedicated defenders of our nation, we lost. Massacred, inside their tanks… by guerrillas, on foot, snipers – cockroaches. Many wounded; we are a tiny nation. Where to find more troops? Yes, Israeli citizens came home from America, France too, to fight. But…” He inhales deeply and glances at the US president, then fingers his lapel pin… “This is very, very confidential; we cannot clean out Hamas alone. The tunnels, unexploded bombs everywhere, the enemy crawling through the debris of schools and hospitals. Nowhere is safe for our tanks, our…”
The Donald: interrupting, “More sacrifice is impossible. I agree, the extermination plan… I mean exit-settlement, needs upgrading. I am a developer, remember. I know what’s needed.”
The Bibi: “But cockroaches, rats; they’re everywhere, they are breeding new terrorists. We know them – hiding in swamps; living off UNRWA charity – no ambition but destroying Jews. No skills. Can’t operate bulldozers, cranes, backhoes; no engineering experience”.
The Donald: Perceptively noting Bib’s distress, interrupts: “Yes, my son-on-law, a terrific boy, really terrific. A great fan of yours. He, I mean, I’m studying the Middle East, building my vision of what’s needed. I can’t trust journalists, not the UN, not the CIA, to update me. I review my most successful projects and I am beginning to see a beautiful plan, beautiful.” He intones with a smirk matching Bibi’s: “I’ll show Joe what a real Zionist president can do.”
The Bibi: Agitated, raises his arms, imploringly, “We have no one …”
The Donald: “Don’t say any more – by the way, in the press conference coming up, I’ll do the talking. You’ve had a bad year – domestic pressures, attacks from all sides – even from your courts.” (He winks) “We will deal with them one by one.”
The Bibi: “But our soldiers, Israeli youngsters …”
The Donald: “Unimaginable: Jewish lads of Baron’s age, forced to scramble through tunnels, collapsed schools, churches. We, we have huge experience in hand-to-hand combat. Afghanistan, Iraq, Libya. Maybe not Libya; I have to check. Our boys are terrific. We can put them into Gaza to finish the job. The best; former marines you know. Avoids deploying enlisted men. A brilliant scheme; they have more license than regular soldiers. Did a terrific job in… can’t disclose where. You understand.”
The Bibi: “The Palestinians; we did our best. But there are still two million…”
The Donald: “Relax kid. A plan is emerging in my mind. A great plan. Palestinians: we know they do beautifully in the US, in Canada, Jordan. Emirates too. Good workers, run small family businesses. Dedicated to their families; they will help us get rid of Gaza’s homeless. They’ll do it. We know how to handle them.”
The Bibi: “We did our best to reduce numbers. You know how Arabs exaggerate. They dare to remind us how Jews were expelled. Impossible. Still, it’s touchy… and our troops are few.”
The Donald: “Listen, I am the deal maker. It will be an American purge… I mean plan. A business exercise. This humanitarian stuff doesn’t work. We’re getting rid of AID, like we did UNRWA. That fits nicely with my big plan. I’ll get my boys working on it right away.
“You, you keep your people focused on antisemitism strategies. You’re great at that; more is needed there.
The Bibi: Relaxed now, grinning broadly. “I always believed you are the top plotter – I mean president – of all time. I brought you a crate or oranges – from Jaffa, I mean Haifa – grown over thousands of years in Israel. Now about your scheme, I mean, vision: I’m good at haranguing Congress. But this new plan… he pauses. “I think you can handle it better.”
The Donald: “Hey kid… I mean, Prime Minister. Don’t say a word; you’re recovering from surgery; courts are harassing your wife. I’ll do the talking. Then lowering his voice discreetly, “And get rid of that smirk before we reach the door.”
As they head into the press conference The Donald murmurs, out of earshot of his guest, “Poor fellow. Been through so much. Glad he reminded me a Democratic senator, Schumer, a fellow Jew too, actually called for Bibi’s ouster. And facing prosecutors at home. I know exactly how he feels.”
